so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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