i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
