T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
