I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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