You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
