I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
