I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
