dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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