My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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