Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Randomize
