You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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