she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
