and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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