You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
