Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
