By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
