woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
