brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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