im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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