God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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