I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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