I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize