This is not my ceiling
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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