I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
