Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
