Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
