I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
3 2 1 whiskey
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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