I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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