I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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