Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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