you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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