i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
