My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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