wakey wakey hands off snakey
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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