I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
