I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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