Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
im on a boat
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