I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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