if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
