Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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