My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
