i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
