My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I have tasted many bathrooms
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
