Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
