I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
My dad is sitting where you rode me
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
