last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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