Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
