gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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