Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
