I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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