cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
