I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
