Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
