he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
