I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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