As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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