She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
