Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
