Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
