his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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