remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
