I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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