I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
