It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
