I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
