Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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