i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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